November 10...Again

Today is the 10th of November...2013.  That's 12 years you've missed now.  I wonder what 21 years is going to feel like?  Twenty-one being the number of years I got with you here.  We are more than half way there.  

Last year was really bad.  Really, really bad.  But this year has been different.  People have always asked me if it gets easier...no.  Vince has asked me if it's normal to miss you more now that he has Monroe...yes.  But here's something I've never been asked and am just now learning...it's easier when life is easier.  I don't miss you as badly when my life is not in chaos.  When I don't "need" you...I just want you...that's easier.  

Normally all your kids and grandkids are in one place on this day.  I messed that up this year, because I forgot.  I forgot the date and made other plans and when I realized the date I could hardly breathe...does it mean I'm forgetting you?  It's been 12 years since I heard your voice, smelled your smell, enjoyed your laugh, felt your rough hands on my arm, hugged you and frankly that is just too long.  It's so hard to remember it all.

But this year I'm trying something new.  I'm trying not to be so angry about it.  I'm trying to forgive and let that help me through the next year...the next 12 years.  So watch me...I'm going to let this get easier for once.  Next week when all your kids and grandkids can be in one place I'm going to hug each of them as tightly as you would.  I'm going to tickle each little foot and ribs...maybe even a little too hard...like you would.  And I'm going to enjoy each wonderful thing that you aren't here for and not think about you missing it because I believe you are watching.  I feel you watching and that is enough this year.

All my love always. 

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